Lou Reed & Metallica – Lulu (Album Review) (Written by: Raymond William)

At one point in my life, I used to physically attack anybody who dared to say anything unpleasant about Metallica. But nowadays, and especially after listening to this “What the fuck?” of a collaboration with Velvet Underground’s Lou Reed, I’m not certain about my future as a devout Metallica fan.

Basically what happened is that these two love birds met at Metallica’s induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, and performed together live. So, with a stroke of uhm… a stroke of uhm… Well it was probably an actual stroke, they decided to do an album together where Metallica would provide the music, and Lou Reed would provide the lyrics and the “singing”.

And after a very long period of anticipation, sniffing out news about that project, reading excerpts from the songs’ lyrics, and listening to 30 second previews, this is what they’ve come up with: 87 minutes and 4 seconds of continuous ear rape (not the good type), accompanied by face-palming and several suicide attempts.

I’m not gonna be a total ass on this album and say it’s completely awful, but I guess I had a problem with it whenever Lou Reed decided to open his mouth; Every time I spot a glimpse of hope in any of the songs, whether it’s in the form of a good riff or a cool music idea, it would soon get crushed into the ground by what seems to be a 90 year old man having an orgasm for the first time in his life. There’s hardly any actual singing done by Lou Reed, it’s mostly just talking in a weird way, and James would get in on the action every now and then for some brief sentences like “I am the table”. Yes, he actually said that… I am the fucking table.

The album is quite similar production wise to Death Magnetic, I think they’re still trying to capture that “garage band” feel with the not so good quality of the sound. Lou Reed’s voice is flying too much over the top to the point where you feel like 2 songs got accidentally mixed together.

As far as guitar solos go, the album is solo-free, which to some people is a good thing. But I think that even a crazy impromptu wah wah-powered Kirk Hammett solo would’ve stirred some shit up in any of the songs.

The songs range in duration from 4 minutes to a whopping 20 minutes, which is definitely a new thing for Metallica. But sadly, the longer the song got, the less interested I became in finding out what’s going to happen next.

The guys from Metallica have clearly stated that this is not a new studio album, but after listening to it, my excitement for an actual studio album has drastically decreased.

I think the time spent on making this album could have been used in making a decent follow up to Death Magnetic. But hey, they seem to love the fucking thing and they can’t stop yapping about how emotional and fucking epic it is to them, so who am I to judge?

It’ll take my ears some time to heal, and a really long time for my memory to digest and dump this abomination, and to try and remember Metallica for the awesome metal titans they once were, and wish that they never pull off dumb shit like that ever again.

But for now, James Hetfield, if you’re reading this, all I can say to you is this:

Papa Het, I am disappoint.

And now I’ll leave you with a song from Lulu, it’s called “Frustration”, Lou says some weird ass shit like “To be dry and sperm-less like a girl” and “I puke my guts out at your feet” so you’ll definitely get a kick out of it!

Review written by: Raymond William

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